Bah, humbug

I do think Christmas sucks.
I try to enjoy it, enjoy the lights and decorations.
And it's easy to enjoy the fairy lights in the darkness of December.
But I don't know if I'll ever find any true joy in Christmas again.
I've practiced for ten years now, and it has become easier, but not easy.
I miss having a family.
I miss my mother.
On Christmas eve even more.
And seeing and hearing my neighbours leaving to go see their families, or welcoming them, the excitement of the kids, the lights on the Christmas trees.... does make it hard to feel thrilled about staying at home with the cats and a dressed up ivy.
I thought I was OK with Christmas, and with being alone, and that I didn't really care. Anymore.
The past years I've been working Christmas eve, and the years before I earned enough to be able to flee to Venice - or Nijmegen.
And it is easier that way.
Much easier than sitting at home alone pretending it's not much different from any other night, and that it doesn't really matter anyway.
I dread going back to work and the obligatory questions "did you have a nice Christmas?" and "did you get any nice presents?".
Especially since the truthful answer would be "I've rarely felt more alone" and "I didn't get any" respectively, and I have to find a nice, neutral answer instead.
But I really want to be able to enjoy Christmas, with myself and the cats and whichever potted plant I choose to decorate.
I just have to figure out how.
I don't want to become another Ebenezer Scrooge.
That would be too bloody sad.

White Christmas - and dressing up Ivy

I think this is the closest we'll get to a white Christmas this year.

A very misty morning.
It was much mistier a little while ago...

And for a while I wanted a Christmas tree.
Then I decided against it.
Then I wanted a Christmas tree if only to amuse and entertain the cats.
Then I looked at Christmas trees and they were either too big or too small or too ugly - and generally just too expensive.
So I decided against it. Again.
Then I wanted a Christmas tree again.
This morning. Much too late.
For anything but a dressed up Ivy.


But the cats do seem quite content with it - if not wildly entertained.
And no matter what I do my stupid old camera just doesn't cope well with the odd light of a misty Christmas morning.

Do they know it's Christmas?

Now the bad cats do.
Maybe.

Every time tuna is served a cat might get its wings

My dance muscles were sore all weekend.
I had forgotten how a Christmas party with the Big Investment Bank meant a Christmas party with only little time off the dance floor due to a 1:5 ratio of women to men.
Which is good when you love to dance.
Not so good if you don't.
Good food, very good wines, good music. And once in while a sip of G&T.
And I managed to behave myself etc. while having Very Good Fun.
And I had no hangover on Saturday, due to lack of opportunity to drink, and only a bit of soreness in all too rarely used dance muscles. But no sore feet.
Luckily I had chosen to wear my golden dance shoes. I love those shoes.
Far, far beyond reason. Sometimes I take them out of their red shoe bag just to look at them and pet them a bit.

Dance Naturals, Art. 22, 3 1/2". I have another pair but in a slightly more sober black. Bought ages ago when I made quite a bit more money than I do now. And was mildly obsessed with Argentine tango.
I wish I could wear them every day, everywhere.
And I wish I had much more time to dance.

And today my boss at the Big Investment Bank asked if I would like to stay with them after my contract ends December 14th.
And, oh, do I want to stay!
It's a good job at a good place, surrounded by good people. (And the lunch is very, very good.)
And I feel useful. And good at what I do.
I had actually forgotten how you feel when you leave work, knowing you've done a good job, and knowing you're appreciated not just for what you do but also for who you are. We should all be allowed to feel that way every day.

And now even I have admitted that it's Christmas. The fairy lights are up again, and I've bought a poinsettia.

I like those. I think they're pretty. And I don't understand why so many people claim to hate the very sight of them.
Now the fairy lights and the red flower may be the full extent of my Christmas decorating, but at least I've done something about it this year.
And I'm not dreading Christmas as I usually do.
Even if I will not be working Christmas this year which has always been a nice easy escape.
Christmas will never be what it once was. But dreading it will not make it any better, so I may just as well enjoy it and make the best of it.
And I still try to convince the cats to wear some fun, feathery angel wings I bought for them. If only for a minute. Just to make me happy.
But they're not buying into the idea.
Not yet.
But I still have much tuna, and much patience.

Count down

In one hour I can leave the Crappy Call Center.
And then I will only have to return once - and then only for another four hours.
And I have the weekend off.
I have not had a full weekend off for as long as I can remember with any precision.
And I have a real company christmas party to go to Friday night.
Not the Crappy Call Center's travesty costing each DKK 100 (USD 20) to cover the bad food and the Bacardi Breezers at a discount, but a real Big Investment Bank Christmas party.
I've missed those.
Even if, as we all know, your main goals when it comes to company parties are to behave yourself, not to get too drunk, and absolutely not to get off with anyone.
And still have fun.
While to some extent succeeding at the three first.
I have nothing to wear of course, and little time to go shopping.
But there's always a little black dress hidden in a corner of the wardrobe.
And I have my shimmery golden, handsewn Venetian 3½" dance shoes.

And more important I have cuddly cats waiting at home.
I don't know if they cuddle more now that it's cold. But they do spend a lot more of the cuddling time under cover, if not choosing the radiator over me.
Skinny little beasts.

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

I will be working tonight. And tomorrow night. And the day after.
And I do not mind at all.
I have no family and no relatives to spend Christmas with.
And after 10 years that no longer causes the same grief it used to.
Instead I have a nearly stress-free December, and tonight a quiet evening at work, with nice colleagues, a nice dinner - and I can bring my knitting with me.
I attended the Winter Solstice Service at the Unitarian church Friday evening.
Celebrating the beginning of a light curve that takes us from the darkest heart of winter, and leads us right on through to the doorstep of spring.
And while, to me, Christmas is no longer what it used to be, it is still the celebration of light.
Be it the solar cycle, the glittering fairy lights - or the arrival of a saviour.
And the cats will be treated to a bit of the special wet food.
Without medicine.

And when I come home tonight, I will light a candle for each of those I miss.

The python pencil case

One of the Christmas presents I made this year was a python pencil case, lined in silk.

The python I had bought at some time, without much other purpose than mere owning, and it was longing for a reason to be (somewhere else than around a snake).
I was also lucky enough to find a beautiful plaid silk remnant in the same box as the python skin.

The past year I have been very appreciative of my store-bought,slim, black leather pencil case. Big enough for the pencils I need and use - but not much else.
And so the python and silk pencil case was born.
I cut one strip for the bottom, and another two, each half the bottom width, for the top, from both the python and the silk.
I sewed in the zipper between the two top strips, and I added the lining for the top before sewing on the bottom. I then sewed the ends closed and turned it out, grateful I had remembered to open the zipper before adding the bottom.
The bottom lining was sewn in by hand.
And for at bit if a finishing touch I cut a narrow strip of python to knot around the zipper-pull.
And it turned out much more delicious than my own pencil case.
I hope he'll appreciate it.

Very fancy fairy lights

And so this is Christmas

Contrary to tradition I have actually attempted a bit of Christmas decorating this year.
Glass birds in kitchen:

Fancy fairy lights:

It's already much more Christmasness than previous years.

Bed socks and a bit of Christmas spirit

Today i finished the bed socks I've been knitting for my lovely friend Katrine.

Using the incredibly delicious Regia silk which makes them ultra soft and .... a bit hard to part with.
They are to be part of the Christmas calendar I've put together for her.

As we are both orphans December can be a bit tough to get through, and I hope a small present a day will cheer her up.
Small things, and not so small things.
Portion-packed facial masks, as she rides her bike in all sorts of weather, which is rather rough on her skin in winter time.
A few DVDs, as she just recently got a DVD-player - America's Sweethearts, L'Amant, Amélie, the Pillow Book.
Small hurricane lanterns for her balcony.
Glass ornaments. Christmassy CDs. A beaded key chain. Chocolates. Goofy poems.
The grand finale being the bed socks.
I cannot wait to give it to her Friday.